Careers and Kids and Separations. And a bit about Homeschooling, too.
John just got back from attending a month-long course down in Texas for Air Force Officers of his rank (major) who are in his career field. The class was small, maybe a dozen officers or so, and they were (rather forcibly) encouraged to mingle and socialize after-hours as an extension of the networking that the course promoted.
I’ll be interested to see the final numbers once John has filed his travel reimbursement. Lots of eating out. To give you an idea? John gained five pounds! He’s a fairly fit and trim guy, so this was a pretty significant gain for him.
Career
John’s been in the military for a long time: going on 17 years now. During those years, we’ve had plenty of separations for deployments and TDY’s. The longest separation at one time was seven months — not too bad considering all of the year-long+ deployments the Army and Marines regularly deal with today. I consider us lucky.
John had several interesting conversations with other officers during this course. One subject that came up was circumstances within the military that require a husband and wife to be physically separated. Now, within military circles, TDY’s and deployments are accepted as fact and taken as a matter of course. When you mention to a fellow military spouse that your husband is deploying, for instance, you’ll hear something like, “Oh, I am so sorry. That’s rough. How long?” Whereas in civilian circles you’ll hear something more like, “I don’t know how you do it.” Or even better, “I could never do what you do.”
Separations
Which really isn’t helpful, by the way. Because of course you could do it! We all just do what we have to do, don’t we? I would never want to be a single mom, for instance. But if something happened to my husband, I would do it because I had to. Oh, it would stink all kinds of rotten, and there would be scars and lots of tears, but I would do it. Just like you would. A deployed husband? At least he’s coming home!
These are the kinds of thoughts that, for me, help when my husband goes away: at least I still have income; at least we can (usually) communicate while he’s gone; at least my kids still have a dad who’s coming home to them. I really don’t have it bad at all. This knowledge helps me climb out of any pity I might try to wallow in.
But back to John’s TDY conversations.
Kids
So the topic of separations came up, and one couple was mentioned who have been apart from each other eight out of twenty years. You read that right. Eight full years. And yes, they have kids. They’re both military, and they’ve both pursued their careers which at times has caused them to be stationed apart from each other. This wasn’t a case of multiple deployments, and 365-remotes (an assignment for one year without your family). But rather two separate households, for eight years, in different parts of the country, to take the best assignment for your career. And the thing is, no one else thought a thing of it. It was just mentioned in passing like it was no big deal.
As John went on, he said that when the people he was around look at our situation of owning a home where our son is attending high school, with John getting ready to go to school in another state… They would think nothing of me and the kids staying behind while he moved without us. For three years.
The arguments might sway many people.
“Oh, your son is in a good high school. What about his friends? Just stay so he can graduate.”
“You have a great house in a great neighborhood. This is a terrible time to sell, just stay and let John go on without you. He’ll be busy with school anyway.”
“Lots of people do it.” This one is usually accompanied by a shrug.
I think you can gather what I think about our options. To me, a house and a school and even friends are just not compelling enough reasons to split up a family. Okay, a school is pretty important… But that is why I’m making this huge effort to transition to homeschool, something I have been getting to the nitty-gritty details about more and more even just these last few days. Lots and lots of military families homeschooling in Monterey, people. I am not the only one doing this.
Homeschooling
Another thing that John brought up was his follow-on assignment to California. If Conner attended public high school and had one (or two) semesters left until he graduated, John could put in for a 365-remote while the kids and I stayed in California for Conner to finish high school. I was like, “Um, no thanks?”
John readily agreed, but he felt compelled to tell me that was an option. The guy really is trying to get this whole homeschooling thing, but he just doesn’t feel like he knows much about it and he hasn’t been learning everything that I have and so the whole thing just sounds difficult and daunting. I try to fill him in on what I’m learning, but my explanations are sketchy at best: it’s difficult to summarize something you’ve read so much about yet are still trying to figure out for yourself. My ultimate goal for Conner, for instance, is that he will be an official high school graduate before John’s three years at Monterey are up. I have some very specific ideas of how to make this happen, but I won’t know how all the details will play out until we’re actually there.
Has anyone else started homeschooling for the first time right after moving to another State? Including a high schooler?
Back to Career
I understand the pull of the career, I really do. Ten years ago, I felt the same pull. But to me the choice was clear and I could never imagine having made a different one. Have you ever sacrificed a career for kids? Kids for career?
We do not have ultimate control over future separations that we will face, but John and I are clear on one thing: if at all possible, keep the family together. John has no interest in being a long-distance dad. I have no interest in being a single mom, if I can at all help it.
That’s not to say that the military won’t decide to send him on a 365 following Monterey anyway, or that we won’t have many more TDY’s and *gasp* more deployments in our future. But this single-parenting thing is for the birds, really. I’ve just sat back and realized that John has been gone five out of the last eight months. No wonder I’m feeling burnt-out! Now, that’s not nearly so bad as some have it. Really, it’s just a taste of what some go through. But to choose these separations in the interest of a career for each of us?
To me, the choice is clear. But I’d be curious to know what you all think. It can’t be so cut and dry when so many people are choosing otherwise.
John added one final tid-bit from his TDY. So many of his officers are so focused on their career and pursuing the best assignments at whatever cost. Yet, during this course, more than one guest speaker — a higher-up — touched on Life After Service, and how when it was all said and done, your life and ambitions in the Air Force and what seemed so important for your career will dim in favor of life Everywhere Else and the life you’ve cultivated outside of the service.
This, coming from officers who, in the eyes of some of John’s fellow classmates, had made it. They were where officers of John’s ilk want to be. And they were saying, It’s not worth sacrificing everything just to be where I am standing today. I just wonder how many actually listened to their advice.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
While I understand so many people choosing to separate for a time, I’m so glad that your goal is to stick together. Family is so important. And while kids (especially teenagers) cry and wail about losing friends, the truth is that most of the time they wouldn’t be in contact with those friends after graduation anyway. Your family is always with you and those are the relationships worth protecting the most.
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Ha, ha, yea. So not funny, eh? I just encourage you to keep at it. It is harder once you’re in (and stuck) but not impossible. My husband has tried to get this school program for years that he’s about to go to. Really, now is the ideal time and a few years ago w/not have been so good for our youngest son, for reasons similar to your son’s (but not autism). So I figure everything happens when it’s supposed to. Hang in there and don’t give up.
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I’m just wondering.. once you have kids, doesn’t your motivation to succeed just SKYROCKET since you want the best for them? If so, is having kids a viable motivational tool for life?
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:40 am
I guess that depends on how you define “the best for them”. Kids are a huge responsibility, and a huge JOY! What do you want out of life? What fulfills you? Working long hours at a job you love and reaping its rewards can quite satisfactory. Does it matter to your kids if you’re doing well and love what you do to earn a living? Of course! Your passion will be contagious and they will learn about living life by how you live yours. Having kids look up to you and emulate your actions and attitude can be extremely motivating to continually better yourself and examine what’s really important in life so that yours truly reflects your values.
I would argue that, to raise a family effectively simply involves making choices about your career that those without children do not need to make because they have no one to consider but themselves. Your decisions need to reflect a more outward-position rather than just inward. Little lives are counting on you. It’s quite humbling, and very motivating indeed.
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I am a big advocate of keeping military families together as much as possible. We already have enough things that keep us apart like remotes and deployments. I don’t like to add extra stuff.
I’ve taken a lot of hits career wise with my hubby being active duty and with the Little One. I look at it like this: I will always have a chance to achieve career goals. We only have about 10 more years in this military life and my little one will not stay little always. I make career decisions based upon that.
However, I do understand how devastating it could be for a teenager to have to move during his senior year. I know that God will lead you and your family to the best decision.
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:15 am
Tonya- You are spot-on about the career thing. That can always happen. We only get these little kids once. And Conner isn’t a senior, so I don’t have that at least. He’s only a freshman so there is no question (in my mind) about moving the kids and me with our husband. I do understand why a parent would stay behind for a high schooler to finish up one more year. In that case, I think the cost to the child/young adult is potentially greater than the sacrifice of missing his other parent for a year.
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I am in a similar situation and still don’t have the right answers for our entire family.
My husband is active duty and is PCSing to Rome, Italy for 5 months starting in February. Obviously, a great opportunity for travel and to live in Rome on the government’s dime.
Bad news..currently have 3 kids in private school due to the terrible public school situation in Hawaii. My oldest is a 10th grader and the kids would move for one semester. We have to make moving decisions before we know what his follow-on assignment will be. We do know that we will not be coming back to Hawaii.
Now the money issues..only one BAH (housing allowance) for us. We live on base, but its privatized housing so I pay my BAH to the housing contractor. Rome has no “base housing.” Rental on the economy is the only choice, so that would come out of pocket.
I can really relate to your dilemma – what to do for school and kids vs. money and family togetherness?
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jolyn Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Brooke- Just for five months and it’s a PCS? I must say that’s a new one to me. And I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore. It used to be 180+ days was a PCS and anything less was just a TDY. That’s a tough situation, and I can’t help but think that, at least money-wise, there has to be a solution to choosing between BAH in Hawaii or in Rome.
Ever thought of homeschooling?
You could travel and experience Rome and Italy and Europe for five months and call it school! Just a thought… 
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Jan Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:02 am
I would do it in a heart beat (move to Rome with my kids). Homeschool and do Europe? On the military dime? Some of my friends left seniors with neighbors to finish classes- but most of us just pulled and traveled. I homeschooled several stints. Let’s face it- a semester of studying about Europe or seeing it…
Colleges seem to understand in the end of it all.
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I’m one of those people that would annoy you by at least thinking “I couldn’t do that”, but I also knew that about myself since I was 12 and had my first real crush, so I would not even date a military man. I do think it takes a strength of personal confidence in order to even approach the idea and I am a dependent-type personality.
My dad was moved around during my high school years to Holland and Argentina for a total of 3 years and our family tagged along. I hated it at the time since I did leave my friends, but I now completely understand where my mom was coming from – family should stick together if they can. Humans are social creatures and relationships get hard when they’re long distance (especially if had been 3 years with just occasional visits by Dad).
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:18 am
I am fascinated by your introspection and find it very wise. And yes, you have a point b/c I would consider myself more of an independent personality type, but only in general. I do think managing this type of lifestyle is a learned skill.
Holland and Argentina?! I would have loved that opportunity as a high schooler! So funny. I once knew a woman who grew up a military brat and she loved the lifestyle of moving around! But she had a twin sister who hated it! It can be so personality driven, to be sure.
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Budgeting in the Fun Stuff Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Oh definitely! My little sisters were young – 8 and 3 – at the start of it, so they loved it and all the trips we went on. I was 15-17 during all of it and was way moodier. I still really enjoyed the trips we took though! My favorites were actually in Argentina, not Europe.
If I could go back, I’d be less bitchy about the whole thing…poor parents…
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As a civilian I really have no idea what it is you deal with (I won’t say I could never do it
). But I have to say, I agree completely about keeping your family together. I think family togetherness, closeness and availability (even if it ends up being every other weekend if that’s the best case scenario) means more to kids, and wives too, than staying in the same school or having to make new friends. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job!
As for sacrificing career, I dropped out of my last year of college after having my daughter 11 years ago. I work part time as a secretary and I’m home whenever my kids need me. Sometimes I wish I got more respect because I’m neither a stay at home mom or a full time working mom so both groups can get a little pissy, but I love it and I’ve never been sorry. Funny thing is I have an easy time seeing both groups point of view, and I feel very, very lucky.
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:20 am
My mom used to say, “You can have it all, just not all at once.” I think that rings so true! At least, if you have it all at once, something probably won’t be done as well as it could be. In other words, something’s gonna give. I’ve yet to see that not be true when both parents try to juggle careers and family.
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I couldn’t have my hubby gone for more then a year and I’ve always told him we go where you go. I know it can be different for military families. When I had kids I did stay home w/them and raised them and once my youngest started school I started working from home. I love it. If we have to move my job goes where I go.
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High school is important, a full time dad is much more important. I would choose keeping my family together over any career aspirations. That said, if my husband had a great opportunity that forced us to all pack up and move I would go.
Every family has to make their own decisions. Sounds like some are looking for others to make the same decisions as they did to validate them.
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:30 am
Thing is, at this TDY, the company my husband was keeping didn’t even seem to think that there were other choices, or that this particular couple with their eight years of separation should have done it any differently. I think there was one other like-minded person of the dozen or so in the class who thought that family separations in the interest of career aspirations were not always worthwhile.
I think ambition and career advancement is wonderful; I’m so glad I’m married to someone who’s interested in bettering himself professionally. I just think that when you have kids, choices need to be made with them in mind. Some might think that it means that one parent has to “sacrifice” their own career for the kids. I personally think that choosing my kids over any professional goals I might have is a choice that benefits me more in the long-run. I know I will not look back and regret giving them my time and attention and focus during the years when they are in my direct care. Will I someday regret not excelling in a professional field? Who’s to say I still won’t?
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We’re spending a year apart right now because of a child in her senior year of high school. Hubs got transferred to the Pentagon, but we are staying in Alabama until our daughter finishes her last year of school. The reason this is probably more doable for us than it would be for some is because his job requires him to travel to Huntsville almost weekly, so he’ll be home pretty much every weekend, and on Uncle Sam’s dime, to boot. I currently homeschool our youngest child. With 24 years in the service, already, we might be retired (from the Army) before child #3 reaches high school age. Our plan is to put him back into the public school system for high school, but I gotta tell ya… I’m loving the flexibility of homeschooling. We can up and go almost anywhere at any time, because our school is portable. Even homeschooled high schoolers have less flexibility, of course, as they often take classes outside the home (like science courses) — but, depending on where we are, we might just stick with this homeschooling gig through high school.
It wasn’t an easy decision to choose to be separated for this year; the fact that he would be able to come home almost every weekend at no extra expense to us made it a little more palatable. And, it really was the best decision for our daughter. But one year like this will be enough, I’m thinking.
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:35 am
I replied to another commenter that I think it’s another story when your teen is a senior. The potential personal cost to them is greater if they have to move than a year missing their dad would be. In your case, it’s a no-brainer, IMO: they’ll still be seeing their dad on a regular basis! Although I’ll ask you again at the end of the year at what “cost” it was to you and him.
And yes, consider home schooling high school! I’m pretty excited about the possibilities for Conner for his “high school” in Monterey. Then again, ask me again in a year. I may be changing my tune!
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UGH. My tummy is in knots for all that you have to think about and worry about in the coming days/months/years. Please know that I’ll be praying for your family! I VERY MUCH admire your dedication to keeping the family together, and I agree wholeheartedly. OH, and as a teenager, we moved for my dad’s job (he was a pastor), and I went from a great situation in a school in California to a brand new school in Texas. BUT, we knew that God was in the move, and I recovered from the upheaval and thrived at my new school. I guess that I believe that if the family unit is close and strong, then “sacrificing the kids” isn’t that big of a deal. Know what I mean? Sure, we sacrificed when we moved around (a LOT – more than 33 times by my sophomore year of HS), but my family was my safety net and my parents and siblings were my best friends, so I always felt secure. PLUS, it taught us a lot about making new friends!
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:41 am
More than 33 times? Good Lord Almighty! And I mean that literally! You had Jesus and more than a few angels by your side for you to come away from that with such a joyful, generous spirit! That truly is inspiring, thank you for sharing that.
I sometimes think about the effect on my oldest son, who is not by nature an out-going, social butterfly but has more reserve and reticence. I reflect on how well he deals with change precisely b/c of all the changes he has handled (successfully) over the years! I don’t think our lifestyle is an accident at all, when I stop to think about it. It totally helps to know that God is in control. And now that I’ve been doing this for several years I can already look back at some difficult situations and see how God used them for good.
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Geobachelor status is yucky. I honestly don’t know why on earth anyone would choose to do it. We’re waiting for orders right now, and because of my youngest’s exceptional family member category, we may not have a choice.
As far as sacrificing career for kids, or vice versa, that’s been on the table lately, too. Our original plan when we enlisted was to get out in 5 years – take the money and run. (Yay, GI Bill and Navy College enlistment bonus!) Five years as a corpsman would give him enough experience to get out of the geriatric nursing field, the money would pay for the rest of his nursing degree, and he would maybe come back in as an officer. When our son was diagnosed with autism and a global developmental delay last year, that plan went out the window. We need the insurance coverage. My husband may never complete his nursing degree. We’re probably in for the long haul as enlisted folks.
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jolyn Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 10:45 am
Geobachelor status, ha! I’d forgotten that term.
Reading your comment, I am wondering: is there a program your husband could apply for that would send him back to school while still maintaining active duty status? That would either transition him to a commission or w/ at least allow him to apply for OTS?
You might have him check with the education office/his commander about that. It’s worth a try. Not that there’s anything wrong with the enlisted ranks! (We were once there ourselves!) But it’s clear that your husband may have other ambitions, and it may not be necessary to discount them even though your son comes first right now.
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Katie Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:45 am
There is a medical commissioning program. We’ve looked into a few times, but something always happens and he misses the deadline. It’s definitely something that has been discussed. Of course, this is also one of the things that he could have done before he enlisted and completely skipped boot camp and just come in as an officer. One of the many rants (that I’ll save for another day) on why I hate our lying sack of a recruiter. haha.
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Jan Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Don’t panic. Many of our enlisted friends got out at 20 and returned to school to get the RN. They did it with a pension and the old GI Bill (the new one is better) and did not have to work to support the family while they did it. They twenty is worth it.
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