Peter is a picky eater, always has been. His mainstays are peanut butter and honey tortillas (yes, you read that right), bananas, and applesauce. The quintessential white diet. He has and does eat other foods, but tortillas are what he begs for. Even if we are offering him something that he has eaten before, he’ll whine and cry and carry on like we’re trying to poison him. “I just want a tortilla!”
Peter's mainstays: Tortillas with peanut butter and honey. (The nutella is a treat on road trips.)
And yes, I’ve tried sneaking other things into his tortillas. Even the smallest of small dabs of refried beans hidden in the melted cheese, which he does like. He finds it. Then accuses me of poisoning him. Not in those exact words, but you’d think I’d tried to get him to eat cyanide by the way he carries on.
We’ve tried saying taking it or leave it, you’re not getting anything else. He’ll leave it and go hungry.
Or he’ll bide his time and sneak something else once we finally turn our back. He’s a main reason we put a lock on our pantry door. (He figured out a long time ago how to unlock it, but it was nice while it lasted.)
My first two children both came out of the womb eating like champs. We have pictures of Conner at five eating a steamed head of broccoli like it was an ice cream cone. Olivia pops grape tomatoes in her mouth like candy. I knew Peter’s picky eating wasn’t due to his environment. When we got his diagnosis of apraxia, it all seemed to make sense: textures; sensory integration; temperature sensitivity. This wasn’t just about food. I learned about resistant eaters, and as bad as Peter’s eating seemed to me, I realized that it was nothing compared to what some parents experience with their special needs children. (Ever hear of Food Therapy?) I picked my battles and simply encouraged foods that (somewhat) made up a whole diet, colorless as they were.
Over time, the lines have blurred somewhat between what is really difficult for Peter to eat — he doesn’t like ice cream, for instance, “Too cold!” — and what he simply doesn’t want to eat. But old habits die hard, and I’ve grown accustomed to accommodating Peter’s eating preferences. I do encourage him to try new things; I will often entice him to just eat one bite by letting him have what he’d really like to eat afterward. No matter that he’d even admit that he liked what I made him try: he’d had his one bite and he was done.
Cue John’s Recent Return from Deployment.
Something must have snapped — I guess those months away gave John fresh eyes when he came home and witnessed Peter’s eating habits anew. John declared No More and with a Take No Prisoners attitude decided that Peter was going to start eating Good Food, or else.
It was a huge, huge milestone when John got Peter to eat a cheeseburger. A half a cheeseburger, mind you. But still. And this was no tasteless fast food, but a plump, juicy cheeseburger seasoned just-so, fresh off the grill.
At least, it was fresh off the grill when we ate. It took Peter two hours to eat his.
But he ate it! This happened before our recent road trip to Kansas. While traveling, we quickly slid back into our usual eating habits. I chose to fight no battles with Peter regarding food (hey, I was on vacation, too) but I also wasn’t always around to make sure that he was at least getting a somewhat well-rounded diet with his preferred white-food choices. By the end of the trip, it was apparent that his health was starting to suffer. John finally spent an evening (while the rest of us were at my cousin’s wedding reception) forcing Peter to eat two baby carrots. They had left the reception early because Peter was pale, exhausted, complaining of a tummy ache, refusing to eat a single morsel from the buffet, and begging relentlessly to just have some wedding cake. And John was still annoyed with him for sneaking and eating an entire bag of cheese earlier in the day. It took two hours, many tears, and cries begging “I just want to go to bed!” but he ate it.
In the past, I have often given him the option of eating what I gave him for dinner or just going to bed, figuring that the experts must be right when they say that a kid will never starve himself. I’m not so sure they’re right with this one. He’s a stubborn fellow — manipulative and sneaky, too. John has decided to play a firm hand with him, and for that I am thankful. I’m not sure I have the stomach for it. No pun intended.
Cue Vigil.
So we had cheeseburgers again last night. And John laid down the law: no substitutions.
I wish I’d gotten a picture of Peter just sitting there, not eating his food: the sullen look on his face is priceless. But I’m choosing to expend as little energy (and attention) as possible on these battles. We all ate our food, I cleared the table and wiped it down around him, then John set hisself down and commenced a vigil.
It’s not very fun, these vigils. And they’re a huge time sucker. But they’re necessary because the minute you turn your back Peter is off and running, which is why it’s so difficult to force him to eat while we’re traveling and visiting friends and family. In fact, during last night’s vigil he made one escape when John left the room for a minute, calling over his shoulder for me to mind that Peter didn’t leave the table. I turned my back to do some dishes and Peter was gone. We found him up in his room, trying to put himself to bed.
Oh, we are mean and cruel parents, we are. We made Peter come back down and sit at the table, telling him he’d be there for as long as it took, but he was going to eat that cheeseburger. Oh, the humanities. I just want to go to bed. I’m so ti-i-i-i-red! Laying his head down on the table and wailing and carrying on like the poor, abused, downtrodden prisoner that he was.
Cue Portal.
John was not to be deterred, and he brought his laptop to the table to help pass the time.
Now, Peter loves electronics in general: computer games; Wii; gameboy; his big brother’s DSi (much to big brother’s consternation). Electronics in moderation are not a bad thing, in my view. But we definitely have to limit them with this fellow. With all of our kids, in fact.
One game he loves to play above all else is Portal, a game John discovered while he was deployed. He took advantage of a free download one weekend, introduced it to Olivia and Peter, and they were hooked.
To me, their liking a game like Portal is very improbable. To quote the website’s description:
“Players must solve physical puzzles and challenges by opening portals to maneuvering objects, and themselves, through space.”
Huh, what?
It’s actually quite intellectually challenging, and from my understanding (I’ve never played myself) involves quite a bit of physics. Not my bag, baby. This is a game they only play with daddy, on daddy’s laptop. I didn’t even realize until writing this that the game normally costs $19.95 to download, so kudos to John for getting it free.
So John sits down with his laptop, and we’re telling Peter that as soon as he eats his cheeseburger, he can play Portal. But not to dawdle, or it will be bedtime.
I sort of half-joked to John, “Maybe you and Olivia should just start playing right there in front of him. You know, on the opposite side of the table so he couldn’t see the screen.” Ha-ha, wouldn’t that just be too cruel? John thought so at first, then apparently changed his mind because next time I turn around there they are, setting it up and Olivia is sooo excited, because she thought she’d have to wait until Peter was done with his dinner.
Well, this was just too much for Peter.
“I want to play!”
“Then eat your dinner!”
He slumped back down in his chair, but his eyes flickered onto his cheeseburger for the briefest of moments.
Minutes passed. Peter would slowly start to sneak his way around the table so he could watch. He always got sent back — sometimes not until I happened by and noticed, so engrossed were John and Olivia in their playing. (What is it with men and their ability to tune everything out around them in the name of electronics? If only I had that ability, this blog could go up to the next level, I tell you that.) And then, and then, and then… What’s this I see?
He’s eating! And he likes it! But of course he does! Because he’s had a cheeseburger before!
(If you look very, very closely, you can see a bit of a piece of sauteed squash on his plate. That was just me being hopeful. Eating that wasn’t part of The Deal.) (Truthfully, simply allowing it to stay on his plate is improvement for him.)
Later when it was time to get ready for bed, Peter came by me and I held out my hand for him to give me five. He ran up and gave me a hug instead. He was so happy! And not acting tired at all!
What Does This Have to Do With “Budgets”?
Nothing, yet everything, really.
It takes more energy to deal with picky eaters who don’t simply eat what you put on their plate on a regular basis. It takes more resources to supply picky eaters with food you know they’ll eat — though I must admit that this aspect can actually be money-saving. (It’s almost like having one less mouth to feed when that mouth doesn’t eat much meat.) (And very, very little fresh produce.) It can be difficult to get picky eaters the nutrients that their bodies need, and their health can suffer, making them more prone to cold and exhaustion and every virus that comes their way.
Having a picky eater in the family affects everyone around them: It can have a negative impact on the family dinner experience when someone is always complaining about their food, or trying to get up from the table. The benefits of a family eating together can get swallowed up by the energy consumed by dealing with one person. It’s difficult to go out to eat when you know one person will protest if one or two particular items aren’t offered on a menu. Never mind trying different ethnic restaurants and having different culinary experiences as a family.
Peter is only five. Peter is already five.
He’s still young, but I can totally see how this can go on forever if we let it. I heard two separate stories during our recent trip about kids people know who are in their teens and are still very, very picky eaters. Can you imagine how this is affecting their health? Their social lives? Their opportunities to grow as individuals and experience new things?
We still have a long, long road ahead of us with Peter and eating. He may have to eat a cheeseburger 20, 30 more times before he does so willingly. I’m just so glad that I’m not in this by myself: I regularly get tastes (no pun intended) of what it’s like to be a single parent (albeit with income) for months at a time, and I simply know I would not have the energy to fight this battle consistently on my own.
John will be gone again for the month of August. I don’t know how much I’ll stand ground while he’s gone; I’ll play that by ear. I just know that, years from now, when Peter’s eating sushi and squash and slurping smoothies (and not complaining they’re “too cold!”) I want everyone to know, this didn’t just happen. We didn’t “get lucky”. We had to work on this for a long, long time. And it was really, really hard.
Small Moves
Peter got his tortilla for dinner tonight, along with a banana. I was making dinner, but John and Conner were still going to be out for awhile. He was hungry again later so I offered him some of our dinner we were eating late. He wailed and declined. I let him. Did he go to bed hungry? Possibly. Starving? Not at all. Would Portal have worked? I’ve no idea: we didn’t try it tonight. John was busy working on fixing our modem router problem ($140 later, problem solved. *sigh*) and didn’t have time. Who knows? It may not work the next time at all. We can only hope. Small moves, people.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
If its any consolation to you I used to be a picky eater. My family took me to a specialist to give me pills to increase appetite. I sat at the dinner table for hours not eating because I knew they would lose patience before I did. I am not traumatized. I did eat more and grow up to be a healthy person, but preferred sweets to anything. The only way I would eat bread was with Nutella. No veggies, no mushy stuff. To this day I can’t stand the consistency of oatmeal or cooked mushy veggies but I love raw veggies. So wait it out. He’ll outgrow it. Some of it is to test your patience and some of it is because he wants to eat nothing but sweets. Do the vigil, do the bribery to get him to eat and remember soon he’ll be a teenager eating you out of house and home!
You can do this!
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We have been going through something similar with my 3 year old son. A friend with older kids suggested I try the star chart. Last week, I made my son a menu with 3 or 4 choices that I know that he will eat, he can choose from those for his meal (the safe option). But, if he tries what the rest of us are having, he gets one star on a special chart. If he finishes a serving he gets 5 stars. I remind him, but the choice is his. 5 stars=1 small treat (the game would work for you, I have a list including an ice cream cone, a trip to the playground, an extra trip to the library, one 30 min TV show, and a bike ride). 20=1 big treat (a trip to the aquarium, a trip to the museum, etc.) It has worked better than I could have ever imagined! My son earned 20 stars since we started last week and we went to the aquarium yesterday. He has tried chicken and broccoli casserole, baked chicken legs (he skipped the zucchini, but still!), among other things. I think that giving him the choices and seeing the rewards has helped him take control. My son is sensitve to certain textures, and very much to temperature. He will eat cold cereal or waffles for every meal if I let him. I’m so happy that he’s been trying new things. Even if this stops working soon, the week of peace it has brought me is so worthwhile. We tried the vigil also, but my son is really stubborn. It just wore me out- more power to you and your husband if you can handle it. Good luck to you!
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The problem with too much sugar (whether from food or candy) and the white foods are that they create such a good environment for yeast to thrive. And yeast wreaks havoc with one’s body. So you’re wise to keep up the good (hard) work.
When John’s gone could Conner and Olivia spend some time playing Portal while Peter eats (so he can play)?
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My 2 year old has autism and a lot of sensory issues which makes mealtimes my nightmare. I had friends that thought I lost my mind when I got all excited and posted on facebook and twitter that he’d eaten mashed potatoes. I even took a video of the kid eating rice! He still won’t eat white rice. He won’t even touch it. But we learned that he’ll shove spanish rice into his mouth by the handful while we were on vacation. The kid is afraid of pasta. Literally, will scream and try to climb out of his booster seat if I come anywhere near him with macaroni.
Hopefully in a few years, he’ll understand electronic bribery.
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jolyn Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 10:35 am
It’s completely different when sensory issues are in the picture, isn’t it? Sometimes I do wonder what it is that goes on in their minds: white rice, spanish rice… As picky as our Peter has always been, whenever he had to take a medicine, he’d drink it like a champ — his sister, not at all, though she’s never had a problem eating. It seems to be all about what he wants to touch his tongue, the textures, what he’s imagining will happen if he touches something. Makes it hard to force things on him, and he’s difficult to manipulate.
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I have a picky eater and a ‘hey, can I try that?’ eater. I, too, have sat for The Vigil. I, too, know that it isn’t him not liking the food so much as him choosing not to eat the food. We can spend an hour getting him to eat 15 lima beans. Which, at that point are cold and icky, and he’ll finally finish and say, ‘You know, I kinda like lima beans.’ which just frustrates me so much.
We started forcing the food issue when he was 5 or 6. I had grown up a picky eater and had been catered to. It has affected by social life and my health. I swore we wouldn’t put our kids through that. So, we force him to eat small amounts of everything. Meat is the absolute worst. He’s 8 now. I still sit at the kitchen table, on my laptop, every few weeks. I really wish we had started sooner and been more dedicated to it. My advice – stick with it and be firm. It’s exhausting but 3 years into this and I can say that the results are finally improving.
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jolyn Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Wow, what a testimony about yourself. Have you forced yourself out of your own pickiness? Thanks for the encouragement. I need it.
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Girl, I KNOW the struggle!
Bossy has a feeding tube. Has had it since he was 5 months old, and will be 8 next month. I know my way around GI stuff….Anyway, he wasn’t medically cleared to eat until he was about 4. Do you know what it is like to teach a child that has NEVER eaten, how to eat????
I cringe at the amount of food we have thrown out in the name of teaching him to eat.
Here we are, almost 4 years later, and he STILL doesn’t eat enough to sustain himself. While he is much much better, and actually eats better than Sassy on some days, it isn’t consistent. We keep trying to wean the tube….he loses weight…..we have to increase his feeds and try again in a few months.
Stand your ground, even when John isn’t home. Seriously. You HAVE to do it. As soon as Peter knows that Daddy is the strong one, and Mommy isn’t….you will have such a back slide that your head will spin around 3 times and you might even spit pea soup.
You can do it!!!
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JP Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 10:33 am
It really is like groundhog day in many respects. For example, if we did cheeseburgers (or anything “regular”) again tonight, it would be like he didn’t just eat one two nights ago (and liked it) or that he’d had them a few other times before that. We have to go through the whole drill again from square one each time. There really isn’t any logic you can apply to reason him through it. It’s all positions and leverage at this point.
The funny thing – as Stacy above mentions – is by the time he finally eats it and likes it, it’s two hours old, cold, and not even close to as good as it was when it was just made.
I keep wondering where the tipping point is where he finally thinks, “Oh, I’ve had this 8 times before, so it’s fine.” Surely it’s around here somewhere.
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jolyn Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 10:41 am
No, I do not know what it is like, and I simply, positively, cannot imagine.
Oh, Mysti, “You’re right, you’re right… I know you’re right.” (Name that movie.)
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Mysti Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I watched that movie the other night….I think it was on Lifetime.
When Harry Met Sally!
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It sounds like this might be a battle of wills as well as food. He wants to be the boss of what he eats.
I have a fussy eater, she’d eat noodles and pancakes everyday if allowed. But she eats enough to have a balanced diet.
I recently read a book called Little Sugar Addicts by Kathleen desMaisons. It’s about sugar sensitivity. Peter sneaking food and craving honey sounds like she describes as a sugar sensitive kid. I got it from the library. Might be worth a read for you.
My only other idea is to get Peter involved in cooking and meal choosing. Maybe let all the kids have a night to choose the dinner menu and they help with preparing and serving. Kinda a make work project for mom but I feel we are suppose to teach our kids to cook.
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jolyn Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 10:54 am
I think it has become a battle of the wills, with a hefty serving of texture and temperature sensitivity on the side.
Interesting you mention that book; I was just thinking about sugar addiction the other day: the more sugar you eat, the more you crave it.
I call my husband a “sugar popper”, and when we go on road trips he likes to have his “sugar pills” (aka, candy). It concerns me because one of his brothers is a diabetic, so I’m worried about that tendency. And I am not that way at all, so I can’t relate: as a child, I gave away the frosting on my cake; and I would choose to have more “real food” than a helping of dessert. If it were up to me, we wouldn’t have any candy in the house at all, but I gave up that battle years ago. I am going to check out that book, though.
As a bit of an explanation, and a teeny bit of defense on my side, I started the honey in his tortillas because it was local honey, and we live in “Sinus Valley” — Peter also has weaknesses in that area that he comes by naturally. I know I don’t have to tell you how local honey can help combat and even prevent allergies.
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JP Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
To put the “sugar popper” thing in context – I recently finished on our Kansas trip last week a 1lb bag of Skittles I had bought in 2006 in Italy, carried with me in Afghanistan for 7 months, and brought back to the ‘States in my trusty backpack. There is something of an art to getting that kind of mileage out of one bag of Skittles (and I do it with Nerds, too; but that’s top secret), but I learned a long time ago that having something in your mouth helps keep you awake. That’s handy when you’re getting 3-4 hours of sleep and trying to get through OTS. Or 3,500 pages of ACSC reading. Or long drives to Kansas. Sometimes it’s mints or seeds. But then they came out with the fizzy Skittles . . .
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